Witches and Wizards
by betawho
Summary: River Song and the Doctor visit a familiar world of witches and wizards...


They stalked in, two elemental forces, a witch and a wizard.

A full-bodied woman in a ragged dress, with hair like a thunderstorm, and an evil glint in her eye. And a tall, bony-faced man in midnight blue robes, carrying a long staff, with a knob on the end.

The woman reached up and flicked off his tall-pointy hat with a sharp finger.

"Oi! What is it with you and my hats?"he said irritably, twisting to catch it. He crammed the crooked hat back on his floppy hair and glared at her.

She scowled at him, her face looking craggy under the layer of grime. She reached up to pull the twigs and leaves out of her twisted hair.

"Trust you to take me to a world where witches wear steel-toed boots!" she said with disgust.

"I thought you'd like it!" he said, starting to unwrap the huge gob of metal tape on the end of the staff. He yanked his sonic screwdriver free. Grimacing at the sticky residue left on his fingers. "They've got one of the biggest libraries of esoteric books in the cosmos."

"Well, the Librarian was nice. It's so pleasant to meet a well-mannered ape. But those wizards!" she grimaced. "I've never seen anyone eat that much without exploding."

"Well," he admitted, "they _were _a help when the Sontarans arrived."

"The _trolls _were a help when the Sontaran's arrived," she pointed out, wiping the soot off her face. "The wizards were useless, they couldn't aim a fireball to save their lives! I quite liked that watchman though. Now _he _was a man with a good grasp of the practicalities."

He picked a cinder out of her hair and dropped it in the coatstand. "Well, considering they thought the Sontarans were some invasion of monsters from the dungeon dimensions, I thought they did very well. They're apparently used to dealing with things with more tentacles, and fewer guns."

"Yes, I noticed." She tossed her grimy handkerchief in the coatrack after the cinder. "Mind you, I really approve of the women on this planet."

"I noticed you got on well with the werewolf."

"Is that some sort of crack?" she asked dangerously, hands going to her hips.

"No, no," he held his hands up in surrender. "She was a lovely werewolf."

"Yes, she was. And the witches were a great help. I can't say that I've ever fought Sontaran's from a broomstick before."

"You looked like you were enjoying it." He grinned.

"Oh, I was. They had those poor dumb clones turned every which way from Sunday. And those boots make a really great gonging sound off a Sontaran helmet." She grinned evilly.

He couldn't help but grin back.

"What did you do at the end there though?" she asked. She pulled her sooty mass of curls back and secured them in a pony tail, looking like she was getting ready for a bath. "I thought I was going to have to come pry you out of that high energy magics building."

"Oh, it was fantastic!" He rubbed his hands together, looking every bit the enthusiastic young nerd wizard, especially in that crooked hat. "You wouldn't believe the things they've managed to do with blown glass, and ants, and morphic fields."

"Yes, yes, but how did you get rid of the Sontarans? They were trashing the city, and even with the citizens, and the watch, and the wizards helping, we wouldn't have been able to keep them away from the university much longer.

"On the other hand, they were very _enthusiastic _citizens, especially once a Sontaran was down. Apparently Sontaran armor could fetch a good price here, and let me tell you, a naked Sontaran lying in the street is nothing to write home about!"

He gave her a blinking, bemused look.

She shrugged. "Apparently the people here are a very pragmatic sort."

"Yes, well," he cleared his throat, and tried to clear that image out of his head. "Anyway, it was all just a matter of dribbly candles and incantations. It's amazing how much control they have over the dimensional interfaces. Since they thought it's where the Sontaran's came from, I talked them into opening up the dungeon dimensions. Which is apparently something they prefer not to do on purpose."

"But which they do do on accident?" she guessed.

"Yes, well, young, enthusiastic wizards, you know how it is," he said.

She looked at his long gown and his pointy hat and his young, enthusiastic face. "Yes, I have an idea..."

"Well, I had them identify all the Sontarans, it's amazing what they can do with crystal balls," he interjected, "and since the Sontarans don't belong here, they were merely intruding on the planet's energy field - the locals call it a 'magic' field," he explained, with much hand waving, "but it's really just a really reactive morphogenic energy field.

"Anyway, I used one of their incantations to change the resonance of the Sontaran's personal energy fields to match the emanations of the dungeon dimensions frequency, and "Presto!" He raised his arms in a flourish, looking like the Sorcerer's Apprentice, "the dungeon dimensions sucked them right in!"

He stood there grinning, looking insufferably pleased with himself.

That hadn't been quite how it had looked from her point of view. "So that's what happened when the sky suddenly turned red, ripped open and all those giant tentacles started lashing out and snapping up Sonatarans like they were bon bons?"

He stared at her, and deflated a little, and hunched one shoulder. He kicked at the floor with one curly-toed boot. "It worked."

She bit back a smile and shook her head at him. "Of course it did, Sweetie." She cupped his face in one hand and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "You were brilliant!"

He grinned bashfully.

"And for that they made you an honorary wizard," she observed, looking down at the wizard's robes and pointy boots. She grimaced as she saw her own soot-stained and slashed dress.

"Yes!" he said enthusiastically, "And look!" He pulled the pointy hat off his head. "They even made me a special hat!"

He turned the hat around. On the other side, crookedly stitched on in glittery sequins was the word,

"Doktor"

He suddenly crushed the tacky hat to his chest protectively and glared at her.

"And you're not to kill it!"

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